Dress Up Diary Play the Best Games of MainGames

So, since I'm here I suppose I should give some backstory. This will probably get lengthy so ill put a tl;dr at the bottom.
I (M/23) started dating my (ex)girlfriend (We'll call her C; F/23) since sophomore year in high school. We were the textbook "high school sweethearts". Fast forward thru 6 years of good, bad and everything in between; having 2 two kids and dealing with a miscarriage, etc... we essentially were a married couple without the title, and we pretty much operated as such. (ironically enough i was planning on proposing to her the week after d-day..)
Now the last year or so me and C had been hanging out with one of my close friends (we'll call him J) and his girlfriend (S); who also have two kids together. Me and J had known each other for years, but hadn't talked much recently so it was cool to catch up; and S and my girlfriend C became friends quickly, as well as our children. At this point we are like family to each other, we went on vacations together, playdates, babysat for each other etc.
Now, the past few months before d-day, C started to show telltale signs of cheating (now that I look back).. but due to the fact that she has severe bipolar disorder which she is prescribed medication for (but she did not take it regularly), it was hard for me to fully gauge what was going on; because manic depressive episodes can exhibit wild symptoms that eerily align with cheating behavior (i know, i pick em great right). So I was concerned; but moreso for her mental well being, than for what I was about to discover in the near future.
Here's where things get hairy.
(D-Day) So I get ready leave the house to do uber eats. I do this part time to pay the bills, I've been learning to trade forex for the last few months so I needed something that could free up time. Anyway, before I leave C asks me for a kiss, I kiss her and the kids and then I head out... No less than 20 minutes after I left, I check my phone and see a string of messages from C, and then I get a call from her. When I answer the phone she's already crying. She tells me that about two months ago her and J fucked. She tells me that J told her I would run off and fuck other girls and meet up with them on some dating app on my phone. None of which is true, for the record. He essentially fed her a bunch of bullshit, and she blindly accepted it as truth. She claims she fucked him to get "revenge" at me for everything I ever "did" (even though as far as infidelity goes, I did nothing). C destroyed our relationship, family, and her friendship with S, all off of hearsay. J helped mastermind it all, and also destroyed our friendship, along with his relationship with S. Worst part is, I was hitting J up the 2 weeks before D-Day to chill, and he wouldn't even respond. Making me look like an even bigger clown. I reacted in pure rage, said some things I probably shouldn't have in the heat of the moment, and then told her to get her shit out of my house.
She of course at this point is hysterical and is screaming through tears for me to not leave her, that she wants to save our family, that it only happened once and there was no feelings involved beyond her trying to get back at me. At this point though I just don't know if I can believe it. both C and J disrespected me to the ABSOLUTE highest level, not only me but also S. They orchestrated a whole plan to make it happen and then hid it for 2 months. She did also come to me and admit it on her own. Not that that excuses it AT ALL, but my thinking is, in reality I could've found out in worse ways than her direct admission.
I'm so torn here reddit. I love this girl to death, and want nothing more than to save our family. I grew up in a split home and i saw and heard things I shouldn't have, and i remember the depression i went through during that time.. i dont want that for my kids..
BUT I also know that I've NEVER been betrayed like this before in my life, not only by an SO but a friend as well. I'm completely heartbroken, and I've had hurt in the past but I've never felt true heartbreak like I do right now. Im doing my best to avoid contacting her, but we have two kids so it makes it really hard at times.. ive been learning to focus on me, but I have to literally keep my mind preoccupied 110% of the time, or I start to go into the same thought loops about this whole situation :(.
Do I give the love of my life a second chance after something like this? For the sake of my family? I know I have zero trust for her, and i understand that if we EVER were to rekindle something in the future, it will be a long time, if ever before the pain goes away. it will not be the same as before, we will be starting from scratch. I just would like advice on if there's anything worth saving or not.
If so, what signs should I be looking for thats shes actually invested in making things right?
If not, how do i start this healing process and begin to move on from an 8 year investment and a now dysfunctional family? Because I'm so fucking lost right now guys.
Thanks for reading all the way to the end, I dropped tears writing this and any advice is appreciated.
**UPDATE 9/20
C is out out the house now. Ironically she's already moved into a new apartment. I'm not dumb and I know 9 times out of 10 you don't just find an new apartment in a single day.. maybe my paranoia but probably not honestly. Ive been avoiding contact with her beyond child related things.
I tried to contact S, but Ironically her phone was broken in the fight her and J had... she tried to message me on Facebook the night I found out to help her move her daughter dressed into a storage unit, but I was physically weak and couldn't even think of what to say in response at that time. Not that she did anything wrong at all. At this point S has removed herself from Facebook so I'm trying to figure out another way to get ahold of her to try to get extra insight. Will post another update if/when I get more details.
C tried to "shit test" me today, and since we're now apart i could see it blind as day. She FaceTimed me, I normally would've ignored but i can see my daughter on the preview so i answer. C claims the kids wanted to talk to me, but they seemed relatively uninterested when I tried. Which no big deal, but its what came next that was so weird. What im talking about is her making a comment on a new vape i just got. How it was "so cool" and she wanted to see me take a drag off it again. This is significant only because I KNOW from being with her for 8 years that it turns her on to see me do smoke tricks. That's just always been her. On top of that, she kept taking the camera off the kids, and trying to talk to me about things that happened in her day indirectly. I kept it brief and told her i was busy before she could drag it on.. WHY IS SHE DOING THIS? This is fucking with my head even more now..
ALSO today I was working on music and I went into my downloads folder and noticed something called "J's App". Its date modified is 8/11. This lines up with the timeline C gave me which made me sick to my stomach. I open it, fully prepared to find some type of cynical cheating app they were using to sneak around on me with...
Turns out its an application for some ged boot camp for high-school drop outs. This girl had the NERVE to let this fucking bum use my laptop to apply for this shit?! I now certainly question the length of their relationship and the details behind it. For now, im going to continue with space and avoiding contact but I will be sitting down with C next week to lay everything on the table. Full truths, full openness, adult discussion no kid games. At that point ill either have closure to know the truth (or as much as I can get of it), or know if there's any chance of redemption, which at this point has went from 25% to 5%.
Thank you all sooo much for your advice and support during this; Alot of hard pills to swallow right now but its what I need. You guys are foreal a family to me and I will be here to support anyone here, new or old thats ever had to feel the way i feel right now.
Tl;dr my girlfriend of 8 years and mother of my 2 kids had an ONS with my friend, who is(was) dating her best friend. Now she wants to work things out

Before you click off this post, just hear me out. This is coming from a guy who first discovered redpill in 2016 and didn't even believe it until 2019. That was when I had a couple of experiences and it pointed me right back to the redpill when I didn't think it would be valuable at all.
The Redpill has taught me a lot of things. NoFap has also taught me a lot of things.
Us as Christians already know some of the redpill, because we know that the Bible is true, the Holy Spirit is alive, Jesus is always with us. The Redpill is seeing the truth for what it is. Knowing the gospel is part of this, I believe.
But when it comes to women, 90% of guys will not take the redpill unless they have had an experience. It took me two experiences to wake up out of this bluepill society. And it all happened in 2019, but I'm still currently learning but also seeking God before I go out trying to date again. This is serious and real stuff.
I'm going to begin with the first experience. Prior to this experience I was still struggling with nofap, always binging because I was alone. I became comfortable with the fact that I would be lonely for a while after a breakup in 2017, so I spent 2018 binging like crazy and not caring. Spent the first couple of months of 2019 doing the same. Until I met this girl.
I didn't even have to chase her. She pursued me the whole time, making conversation everytime she saw me, then we ended up having a conversation about God. She could tell that I was a Christian through my energy. Even though I was secretly binging on PMO, I carried myself as a man of God to the best of my ability even though it was hard to stop PMO. She asked what church I went to and I told her, and she wanted to come so she gave me her number. This was last April. We texted for a couple weeks, she would go to my church and I started to begin to realize that she really liked me. She would give me hugs every time she saw me, and then one day a conversation struck about us liking each other.
She really liked me a lot, more than I could really ever know probably. She wrote me deep poems, and stuff like that. She gave me a kiss on the cheek when I saw her at my job one day in the parking lot. That's where we met. My job at the grocery store. Then we had a sexual conversation one day. It happened out of nowhere. Prior, I had told her that I wanted to wait till marriage to have sex, and she respected it. We still had a sexual conversation, and I never would've thought that she had this type of mentality at all. Because of how she carried herself in public and what not. About a month of us talking passed, and we ended up hanging out, playing a little video games, then she brought in the wine later. We didn't drink a whole lot, but it was my first time drinking so I got tipsy quick. The sum it up, we did do it. We didn't do a whole lot, but we did enough. It was sin regardless. We both felt bad, but I think she felt worse. And afterwards I was thinking that since we did it, we might as well just date and be a couple or whatever. She wouldn't let it happen. She felt we both weren't ready.
We hung out about 3 more times, including one time where she took me to the beach and we were out all day and then went back home and did it again. We knew we were wrong for it, and in the end we ended up agreeing to never see each other or talk again. I really didn't want to let go of her but she insisted.
After that chapter was over, I was still bluepill. So I was just wishing for that girlfriend who will love me and be with me. No later than a month passed, and I end up reconnecting with this girl from church who's family came back after about 7 or 8 years or more from going to church. The whole family struggled with believing in God, but the parents finally began to trust and believe God. But she didn't. She told me she did, but in the end I found out that she didn't. Her actions showed that she didn't, but I ignored them.
As ignorant as I was, knowing that we both liked each other and not acknowledging her past, I rushed into a relationship with her. I wanted her for her looks, I didn't care that she dressed provacatively in church or anything. I ignored everything about her baggage, her crazy past and her ex that was in jail. I just wanted a relationship with her and to make it work. That's all I wanted. And I made it known, through trying to impress her. Even though she told me she never been on a date before, but she wasn't a virgin at all. I ignored all these red flags. I would be an almost perfect gentleman to her, buying her flowers and stuff like that. A month in everything was going well until something happened.
She found out her ex was out of jail, but he was killed in a car crash. That's when I found out that he really wasn't her ex. She was really waiting on that moment for him to get out of jail and possibly take her back. But she wouldn't tell me that. Despite all that she told me about him cheating on her. Me being bluepill I ignored the fact that she was using our relationship as a way to try to stop thinking of him, but she was still wanting him. He treated her bad but she still wanted him. He was her imprint and I didn't understand this until it was all too late.
Once she found out about him, everything went 180 degrees. She was depressed over his death, and I didn't know what to do. She wasn't acting the same at all. I tried to be there for her but it didn't really help that much. Then I tried asking her best friend what I should do, and she got mad because I talked to her friend behind her back about the situation. Me being beta, I began to constantly apologize to her, begging for forgiveness. I invested to much of my attention to this short relationship and I didn't want to lose her at the time.
A week passed, and she said she wanted a break. Then she said it was best if we just stopped altogether, and I'm not gonna lie it left me devastated because she sold me a dream, and I believed that we would be long term. She sold me this dream that she would try and get closer to God and I immediately believed it. After all this, she told me that she didn't care about God, and that once she moved out of her parents house she was going to stop going. She always said that I wasn't a reckless enough for her, meaning I wasn't wild and bad like the guys of her past. Because I am a good person, who wouldn't break the rules. I was respectful, and she wasn't into that. It took for all that to happen just for her to admit all of this.
Now imagine if that tragedy didn't happen? It's terrible that it did happen. She told me things about him, like him being a gang leader and killing 3 people and stuff like that, but I can't judge him. We all sin. But if I feel like, as bad and as crazy as it sounds that God got me out of that relationship quick. Because I had no business in it. A week before he even died, I fell into a light sleep and had a vision of me driving downhill, and going into a huge roadblock sign, but before I hit it the dream stopped and I awoke. That very next week all that stuff happens. No coincidence.
I was relieved to know the truth. Because I could've been in that relationship for longer and it would've been bad. I would've stayed unaware and let her do stuff and ignore it.
After the break up I was disappointed, I wasn't deeply sad, I just felt rejected, lied to and robbed. A few weeks later, I decide to get more serious about nofap so I continue back watching nofap videos. This NoFap YouTuber, who is now my Forex mentor began redpill. He had seen the similar things that I saw. Women selling men a dream. Them saying things, and doing the exact opposite. He mentioned a redpill channel, and that's when EVERYTHING started to make sense. Everything.
I learned a whole lot, and everything in those videos explained both of my situations from 2019. As in the first situation, a woman can carry herself as a saint, but behind closed doors I saw a totally different person. And I'm not shaming her, we all know that the devil is working. I actually learned a lot from the first girl. In the end she knew she was wrong, that we were wrong. She actually helped me be more closer to God, more than I wanted to be. Back then I didn't even want to read the Bible or anything everyday like I do now. Both of these experiences lead me to closer to God because I want to know the truth and be who God has called me to be.
In conclusion, it isn't worth it guys. Don't let a woman sell you a dream, and don't ignore the red flags like I did. We have to put more trust in God more than anything.
The devil can tempt anyone, and it can be easy to just give in and sin, just like with PMO. Women are capable of entertaining other guys whether you committed to them or not. Or they committed. And at the end of the day we have no control over that. All we can really do is self improve, draw closer to God and go on about our lives. We can't become too attached to these females. Only stay attached to God, because he'll never turn your back on you.
The effect all of this has had on me eventually led me to read the word of God more, watch more sermons, meditate and pray more and also workout and eat better. And also not believe absolutely everything a person says to you. I hope you've got through this whole thing and this has helped you if you're going through something. Because this can apply to PMO as well. Those women on the screen don't care about you. They only care about your attention, whether it be your money, your click, or your double tap. Before we try to get into a long term relationship we have to seek God first. Because in this world today, a virtuous woman who is actually virtuous is hard to find. But God can lead us to the right path of what we need.

I know as a I write this I am in the correct place; when I started this sentence It was precisely 1:11 a.m on Thursday 1/12/2017.
Or ‘11’ ‘11’ 2+2 = ‘4’ and ‘17
11
11
4
17
Ok universe I get it; ‘mind the repeating patterns we harass you with ten times per day, stay in school and say no to drugs!’
Very big changes are continuing to unfold in my life; specifically when I take the time to do a deep guided meditation once per week. Pandora’s box has pretty much been opened since the ‘I am energy’ break-through meditation at my 'now spiritual leader’s' Jigar Shah’s house under the scornful eye of a giant portrait of Shiva while Jigar placed an orgone energy pyramid in my hand. Every other ‘hour deep meditation’ I do now results in pretty much ‘miracle experiences’ for me. I just never get to write and organize them!
The recent one happened less then an hour ago.
Before I decided ‘holy shit the only thing I can actually accomplish is a deep meditation’. Nothing else sounded ‘fun’. It was completely a bad day for me. I was in a state of depression and confusion as my ‘pain body’ had sent out a crippling flair through the entirety of my physical being. I was stunned… I sulked around my house despite being rested as if I had just escaped a Minotaur attack on my way to the grocery store earlier. But I had not been physically attacked by a mythical creature; it was purely mental. Purely spiritual; purely emotional. This has always been my worse enemy.
But tonight was different.. I had never had the ability to seek meditation and 'miraculously heal myself'. I guess it makes sense... I had to heal myself before attempting to heal anyone else in a life-changing meaningful way as a friend, lover, teacher, or mentor in anything.
I ‘accidentally’ used an hour deep guided meditation to turn the pain body against itself. It actually jolted me into the ‘only thing’ I could do at the time: ‘an unknown hour meditation’
I choose one off youtube from Joe Treacy : ‘Guided Meditation- Clearing Negativity with your Spirit Guide’
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ruRChvQUVMw
It was 40 minutes, but it took me 20 minutes of preparation with a sage cleanse and some other nonsense to get myself in the perfect state for exploration.
I looked at about 30 other titles before I selected this meditation (I needed completely new, but decided to scroll titles until something 'called to me' or 'felt right'). I’m not sure why I picked it; something about it just ‘sounded fun’ at a time where nothing else in the physical universe FELT or SOUNDED FUN. I found myself unable to even consider going to a local bar 10 minutes away and trying kiss a local girl (well at a minimum). NO NO NO… .a GUIDED MEDITATION WITH A WHITE TIGER ON IT SOUNDED BETTER?
Yes; this is what life has become at this point!
At the time the selection sounded reasonable; looking back I’m not quite sure… I mean it’s a 10 minute drive man?
I wasn’t really expecting anything, but after about 30 minutes IN A DEEP meditative state things exploded into discovery and I felt purely blessed to experience any of it.
In the ultimate twist of fate NIBBLES revealed herself as my spirit guide; the first one I’ve met.
The ‘good omen cat’ that I have been writing about like a lunatic for the past few months in this sub-channel suddenly appeared in the meditation.
I intuitively created a happy place (as Joe instructed); which was myself chilling outside of my new house I was so grateful for in the sunshine. The wild turkey was stupidly pecking at seeds in at the edge of my woods and lawn. I was sitting on the chair on my small, but fantastic patio with my hookah. Nibbles (the wild cat I feed daily) was in some sort of cat-basket on the table. I guess we had become slightly better friends!
But not all was well… Scribbles the evil omen cat lurked near by. Rather then ‘becoming scared’ in the meditation (as Scribbles is an evil spirit guide or force who should have far more power in this realm... the cat was now preparing to inflict chaos upon myself the human) I intuitively rose to the challenge and strategically lured ‘Scribbles’ closer as a game to 'fuck with him' and 'play dumb' (as if I didn't know his plans and treated it like a dream). I even said ‘SCRIBBLES!’ ‘Such a good cat; you must be hungry right!’ (he knows damn well he has stolen Nibbles food and he is almost positive I want Nibbles around and not him).
This was clearly displayed a week ago when both cats were present and I apparently empathically casted Scribbles as I raised my arm with a fierce point into the wilderness. Scribbles responded a split second later as he turned into a full sprint towards the hills; as Nibbles casually froze before walking up to the closed glass door which I stood behind.
The situation in the meditative state remained crystal clear as Scribbles of course tried to come in to fuck with the happy place; as always. As he attempted to cross the invisible border 'between my lawn and the forest' the turkey Immediately CAME DIRECTLY AT SCRIBBLES; and chased him away. Nibbles and I started laughing.
It was perhaps then I 100% knew Nibbles was far more then just a cat.
I then intuitively pieced together in a flash that perhaps Nibbles was here for a reason; he selected to be incarnated as a cat on this planet by free-will to learn when he was previously a conscious being else-where. He purposely selected to NOT HAVE A CONSCIOUS HUMAN MIND HERE, but he did select purpose of helping other third-density or 'human' light workers; and he wanted to hopefully become one… He also took joy in the opportunity to actually ‘act as a spirit guide’ for certain humans that seeked her guidance. This was tied to her purpose- offering assistance to lost people like me could eventually help her incarnate as a human in this world during a future life; to even have the ability of conscious thinking mind... So uh … here we were. 'Look at the coward flee!!'
In an instant Nibbles realized fully I had of course ‘knew way to much’. Apparently in the spiritual realm Nibbles if far more then 'just a cat': in an instant her physical form changed into something on two legs with MASSIVE BRIGHT blue eyes standing well over five feet tall. The best way I could describe the newly formed entity was almost some sort of ‘Protoss being’ (from Star-caft the video game… shut up don’t be hating!) Perhaps a Zealot without swords drawn; only female and dressed more fashionably!... She looked like a higher energy of slight good and order; but war-like in another dimension by nature and not to be fucked with. She was not of bad nature; just unbelievable intimidating and more powerful then I could comprehend. I was not frightened in the least (Nibbles suddenly turning into an unidentified female being that could probably take over half the world in a day would be perhaps the 11th worst thing that happened in my life during the past 3 months); but I was prepared for anything (do your worst right?). I still knew at my core the being and I were 'companions' and had each-others best interests in mind... well for the most part...
Eventually paths were laid about before me from our little ‘sanctuary’. It was just us now as we sort of agreed maybe it was best for Nibbles to stay in the form of a cat… so she had turned back into a cat sitting close in front of me, but was STARRING ME DOWN locked with MASSIVE blue eyes 5 times the normal size of a blue-eyed human.
"Nibbles… alright… there is no way I’m picking the path with you staring at me like that or I faked: ‘please nibbles be my friend… I need you as a cat brah!’…
All I knew was I couldn't trust Nibbles in this state; her ego was somehow involved or my ego was threatened. I preferred thinking about things for a moment without being stared down by a 'cracked out' Nibbles.
There is still trust to be developed with Nibbles and it was mutually understood...
it worked… Nibbles turned the other way as a cat sleeping ‘or pretending to be sleeping’ as I could no longer see her face; just the ball of the same sleeping (previously abandoned) Persian wild-cat I feed who sneaks up and meows for no reason. Well other then to tell me about her day and perhaps a little snack of deli-cat!
The first path 'choice' mentioned by Joe was one of ‘Spirituality’. Well I mean obviously; I mean I did kind of choose that to even be in this ridiculous situation.
Stubbornly enough I still did not consider that the ‘proven path’ yet (my ego fully returned!) because the entire point of constructing this ‘present moment’ was to create a relaxing ‘happy place’ where the spirit guide and I could discuss things such as the terror-bird wild turkey that just randomly showed up and chased out scribbles the obviously evil omen cat/influence.
It was amusing that ‘Scribbles’ didn’t even realize I already fully knew he is an evil omen of sorts well before the meditation started; and Nibbles is in fact good. I had already took a side... I 100% figured that out many moons ago. Scribbles must think I have the spiritual awareness of a pineapple. And well he is probably right; but still luckily underestimates me to no end.
Either way the path choices sprawled out in a fury before me.
I intuitively knew I would trust Nibbles far more then sprinting alone into one of the random paths... so I decided to put more trust in the guide as I had trusted her as 'good-hearted' from the first moment I met her in real life (the first night I moved into my new place completely alone looking to rebuild my life; as she stood eerily close to the back window-slider starring. I knew she was just curios in a friendly way; and would be fortunate to ever see her again.)
She wouldn't appear again until two months later a day after I randomly decided to 'buy deli cat' as I was at a grocery store 'just in case that cool persian cat ever returned'. The next day I placed the food out in a bowl and the same cat showed up to eat it in less then an hour. Shortly after I was feeding the cat daily. However, she would normally only eat 'a quarter of the bowl' and 'take a nibble'. So the legend of Nibbles was born. Shortly after, I knew if the bowl was full gone; it was the work of Scribbles 'the other cat' who devoured all in sight. I had not named scribbles, I have to give my friend 'Donald The Deal Man' credit for that one.
During the deep meditative state I had confidence that Nibbles had my best interest in mind so I tried to pet Nibbles and she immediately ran off into one of the paths as I strategically expected and was the best case scenario result (in real life I have never been able to pet her, but she will sneak up a foot from me and meow meow meow). The Persian breeds are social; but this one is abandoned and still correctly frightened of any humans. She doesn’t want to be fully domesticated ever again… she wants to be part wild; and who would blame her?
Still in the deep meditative state I sprinted off into the path that Nibbles had selected …
The path was to represent the one thing I would do new to add ‘life’ and ‘drive’ into my present moment (as Joe Treacy suggested) in life; which I was desperately lacking in a state of loss and confusion with an activated pain body a mere 2 hours before.
AS previously brought up in the same meditation I should ease into Forex trading under the recommendation of my friend I always considered 'unoffical spiritual leader' ‘Jigar Shah' aka 'Killer Instinct'. I considered this before the meditation, but it seemed over-whelming and my plan made no sense. An hour a day actually made sense.
I learned I should go WITH THE FLOW and commit one hour per day of FOREX study as a daily effective habit; not binge it like poker until you burn out and kill every piece of fun out of it. I should not be afraid to take the chance; but ease into it as a daily effective habit and rationally re-evaluate after a month.
I am already an IML member and Jigar is also my up-line. The main reason I joined the company was to ‘be more social’ as I was losing touch with good friends fast… I had become isolated to the point of almost completely losing touch with my main private poker group; a second family to me. My local friends were for the most part gone as a result of my demand for isolation and privacy after a near-death experience.
In addition to improving social areas; I trust the resources available in the company to make side income in addition to poker as well. And who the fuck can out-work the Boo-Train?
NOBODY!
Anyways sorry.... meditation right:
The past me would have gone out and attempted to get into all sorts of trouble at a local club night to give into all sorts of distractions to avoid the emotional pain. The new me was not trying to get laid since the last parasitic nightmare of a relationship (rather hiding from that fate); I needed to rebuild in isolation. It was a choice to be isolated; to take the pain and emerge stronger... It hurt like hell, but it was necessary for growth.… this is the time I would grow up. This time I would suffer fully with the mistake of my most recent ‘sexual partner choice’. It was time to grow up and actually 'get the lesson'. There was no going back for the reason of ‘horny as hell’ enough is enough. This was why you ran into her public on a one in a million impossible 'chance' not even a week ago (first time out in months for a friends bday); a clearly ‘meant to happen’ experience; but not meant to hook up again. Enough is enough; there is a time to be sexually reckless and a time to not be; but there is never a time to go back to the past.
All we ever have is the now; the present now.
Be here; be now…
How can one not enjoy the now?
So some-how that one little ‘push’ changed everything. I stopped my overwhelmed anxiety infested human thinking mind just long enough for Nibbles to scratch a shred of direction into me; it stopped the pain body in it's tracks. Clearly you can EASE INTO SOMETHING responsibly as a daily effective habit. Life is not meant to be ‘added stress’.
New situations and challenges are meant to be ‘added experiences to enjoy’ not 'forced hours to produce X amount of dollars for unspecified reasons'
Go with the flow...
And clearly poker is not to be neglected; just win the Borgata main event at the end of the month for +$700,000 and make sure you're logging the volume to at least log $1500 profit no matter what playing 100NL. Set the goal LOW NOT HIGH; live low-key life for a moment; just like the first two years you started out full time.
This creates discipline and an enjoyable experience to learn; rather then stressing the fuck out for no reason like your ego insists that you do by default: which you have been doing in a misery almost as bad as 'your corporate job out of college' for countless years.
You have become your own corporate; that's the truth you could never see. That was never the life you set out for as you fought hard for increased freedom.
You have been going against the 'grain of life' for far too long now; it is uncalled for. It is far from healthy physically or emotionally. Sure you had to play 'catch up a little' to escape the doomed path but enough is enough.
Let life work for you for once. Life is not meant to be 'corporate' and 'rigid' it is meant to be 'natural cycles of effort; some insane; some low volume' and 'flow'
Something I've been struggling with that didn't come up in the meditation was a 'writers block' in relation to the actual writing project I'm supposed to do for my publisher; who is also my friend and pretty much one of the only people who has actually believed in me about anything. So after the meditation I SPRINTED UPSTAIRS to write this... at least I can write something. I'm confident when I'm ready to actually focus and go after the final small creative entry to complete the project it will be that much better; and it will not be against the flow.
May Nibbles triumph as Scribbles eternally 'stalks' in the shadows.

Subreddit	Title	Brand
:----------	-----	:-----:
gifs	For Time Travelers Only - German Fighting Manual from the 1430s	Travelers
gaming	What are some good customizable character choices matter single player games for Xbox one?	Xbox
explainlikeimfive	ELI5: How could the United States be made to actually pay back our debt?	United
nosleep	A new kind of Uber app that I want people to know about - Part 2	Uber
videos	This is Why Walmart is Ruining Small Towns in America	Walmart
personalfinance	Better savings experience: Discover or Ally?	Discover
UpliftingNews	Teen who crashed into BMW finds out why honesty is the best policy	BMW
UpliftingNews	Ohio policeman helps girl, 10, with maths homework - BBC News	BBC
videos	White Noise Sounds of Frozen Arctic Ocean with Polar Icebreaker Idling - Creating Delta Waves	Delta
videos	Joe Rogan Experience #919 - Neil deGrasse Tyson - LIVE	Tyson
videos	There's low light photos, then there's better low light photos, then there's awesome low light photos, and THEN there's the Sony α7S II.	Sony
mildlyinteresting	These door handles look like Lego lightsabers	Lego
dataisbeautiful	Life expectancy to break 90 barrier by 2030 - BBC News	BBC
AskReddit	Who here works at Target graveyard shift ? If so how is is ?	Target
AskReddit	What is the most underrated city in the United States for a recent college grad, in terms of being not too expensive but has a lot of great opportunities for well paying jobs?	United
worldnews	Australia PM takes aim at United Nations for 'one-sided resolutions' to Israeli-Palestinian conflict	United
funny	When you misread one little word and think the people at Dove want you to pretend you're Harry Potter...	Dove
dataisbeautiful	[The Power of Youtube Marketing	ETRAFFICOC](https://www.reddit.com/dataisbeautiful/comments/5vfwyz/the_power_of_youtube_marketing_etrafficoc/)
UpliftingNews	Teen who crashed into BMW finds out why honesty is the best policy	BMW
AskReddit	What are your favorite long-form Youtube channels to watch passively?	Youtube
pics	Great way to end the day! Orange County, Californ-i-a	Orange
AskReddit	If you know with certainty that in ten years Facebook will be passé, what is your best guess as to what happens?	Facebook
explainlikeimfive	ELI5:How does Youtube count the views on a video?	Youtube
AskReddit	What would Winston from 1984 think of the ambiguous nature of Hamlet? How would he react at the end of the play?	Winston
personalfinance	Leasing a BMW 3 series as a New College Grad	BMW
AskReddit	If Reddit users went to war vs Facebook users, who would win?	Facebook
videos	Astrology with Neil deGrasse Tyson & Joe Rogan	Tyson
nottheonion	Richmond bar becomes church to avoid ABC ratio law	ABC
Documentaries	The Life of Timothy Leary - BBC 2000	BBC
explainlikeimfive	ELI5: Why do United States citizens are called Americans while in the rest of America we use a deviation of the country's name?	United
news	Sweden probes riot in mainly immigrant Stockholm suburb - BBC News	BBC
mildlyinteresting	This McDonald's has a gamecube station!	McDonald's
EarthPorn	Found this behind an abandoned Walmart today. 6000x4000	Walmart
AskReddit	SeriousPeople from outside the United States, how do you feel about the way your country is portrayed in US films?	United
todayilearned	TIL to prove that people can't distinguish Clark Kent from Superman in public, Henry Cavill hung out in Times Square not even wearing glasses. No one recognized him.	Kent
funny	Watch these people take acid then attempt to build IKEA furniture	IKEA
AskReddit	Moving forward, how can the United States strive toward forming a single, relatively cohesive culture, and stop Balkanising along various politcal, philosophical and socioeconomic lines?	United
personalfinance	Started a new contract late last year and get payed through Paypal. Company not sending me 1099 and I was told that Paypal would send me the tax information regarding my income. Didn't reach the transaction minimum for Paypal to send out 1099k.	Paypal
explainlikeimfive	ELI5 how the Apple TV remote controls the TVs built-in speakers	Apple
Showerthoughts	You aren't being the person who Fred Rogers wanted you to be	Rogers
videos	Hilarious video of a man ordering a burnt Subway sandwich.	Subway
OldSchoolCool	My mother and Walt Disney July 19, 1955	Walt Disney
todayilearned	TIL Mike Tyson began caring for pigeons as a child including throwing his first punch at a bully that killed one of his birds and continued the hobby into his adult life to cope with career failure and the death of his 4 year-old daughter.	Tyson
AskReddit	What to do if you fall for the Microsoft Zeus Virus scam?	Microsoft
UpliftingNews	Mystery Irish woman gives £50k fiver to charity - BBC News	BBC
OldSchoolCool	John Belushi & Chevy Chase 1976	Chase
worldnews	Video shows Harrison Ford flying over plane before missed landing	Ford
explainlikeimfive	ELI5: In a Parliamentary system, how does this idea of democracy compare and contrast with the framers of the United States Constitutions vision of representative government?	United
AskReddit	Why would a thinking person continue to use Facebook in 2017?	Facebook
AskReddit	If you could choose one rock star to become the next president of the United States, who would it be?	United
news	Video shows Harrison Ford flying over plane before missed landing	Ford
personalfinance	What's the minimum required income and credit score for a Bank of America Better Balance Reward card?	Bank of America
pics	Neil deGrasse Tyson in high school wrestling match	Tyson
AskReddit	How would the future look now if Microsoft never bought Rare and Nintendo still owned the bulk shares?	Microsoft
personalfinance	Debt collectors keep calling about a non existent $600 AT&T debt; I have never used AT&T.	AT&T
personalfinance	How much can you make driving for Uber part time?	Uber
AskReddit	What kind of responses does the U.S. President receive on Twitter to his highly polarizing online statements?	Twitter
OldSchoolCool	Neil deGrasse Tyson in a high school wrestling match 1976	Tyson
Jokes	The Subway I go to uses the metric system.	Subway
AskReddit	For those against deportation of illegal aliens in the United States. Why are you againt it?	United
AskReddit	Why are you against deportation of illegal aliens in the United States?	United
mildlyinteresting	My University's repair company truck has the same color scheme as the adjacent FedEx drop box	FedEx
Art	"Key Warden of the eternity Gate" Digital Vector Illustration in Adobe Draw Ipad Pro.	Adobe
food	HOMEMADE Orange Chicken with Rice and Broccoli	Orange
funny	Apparently McDonald's hides their sauces in the ceiling now.	McDonald's
AskReddit	For non-US Redditors, is the United States showing you something that is surprising? Reddit is anti-Trump, obviously. Do you think there are dangers in exposing that our country is so divided?	United
worldnews	Ex-Forex Traders in Singapore Get Jail Time for Cheating Banks - Two former currency traders from Deutsche Bank AG and HSBC Holdings Plc were sentenced to jail terms of as long as 15 weeks for cheating the banks by making false trades.	HSBC
worldnews	Ex-Forex Traders in Singapore Get Jail Time for Cheating Banks - Two former currency traders from Deutsche Bank AG and HSBC Holdings Plc were sentenced to jail terms of as long as 15 weeks for cheating the banks by making false trades.	Deutsche Bank
videos	An Honest KFC ad - 'Strya Cuntz'	KFC
funny	When the Facebook comments don't fail you...	Facebook
news	Video of Harrison Ford flying over an airliner emerges video in the article	Ford
personalfinance	Best way to pay off two Chase credit cards..	Chase
gaming	Bill Gates holding an Xbox controller, a cheeseburger, and a smile.	Xbox
todayilearned	TIL Malta was the first to fine €3,000 for each racist Facebook post	Facebook
worldnews	The mystery of the anti-UKIP Twitter machine	Twitter
worldnews	Kim Jong-nam killing: Malaysia seeks North Korea embassy official - BBC News	BBC
gifs	Helicopter Falls Rapidly Out of the Sky In Urban Area	Sky
AskReddit	What is the best way to spend a £50 Google play voucher?	Google
AskReddit	What's the weirdest thing you have found on Google Maps?	Google
movies	Awesome Ghost in The Shell poster at the Cinema	Shell
philosophy	On the subject of Analytical Philosophy and Continental Philosophy	Continental
WritingPrompts	WP Pooping is now a Major League Sport is the United States and you have just begun your journey to win the Championship Pooping Belt	United
AskReddit	What are some tips for Sony Vegas editing? Plugins?	Sony
movies	Maverick Japanese Director Seijun Suzuki Dies at 93	Suzuki
gifs	Footage released by John Wayne Airport in California on Tuesday shows a single-engine plane piloted by Harrison Ford mistakenly flying low over an airliner that was taxiing	Ford
news	New TV channel for BBC in Scotland	BBC
videos	Bicycle 1 - Ferrari 0	Ferrari
videos	High-pitched voice theory - Neanderthal - BBC science	BBC
Futurology	The 2018 LC 500 isn't another Toyota dressed for the ball, it's Lexus reborn	Toyota
Futurology	The 2018 LC 500 isn't another Toyota dressed for the ball, it's Lexus reborn	Lexus
worldnews	UK economy grows faster than thought - BBC News	BBC
news	New TV channel for BBC in Scotland -	BBC
movies	Review: The Lego Dark Knight Beigns 2017	Lego
Music	Green Day - Macy's Day Parade Alternative/Indie	Macy's
worldnews	Footage released of Harrison Ford's plane near-miss - BBC News	BBC
AskReddit	Facebook users of Reddit, what's the stupidest thing you've ever gotten into a Facebook argument about?	Facebook
videos	Ghost In the Shell 1995 - Chase Scene	Shell
videos	Ghost In the Shell 1995 - Chase Scene	Chase
worldnews	Man jailed for live-streaming Cardiff court case - BBC News	BBC
news	Bull Captured After Leading Police On Chase In Jamaica, Queens Has Died	Chase
Jokes	Whenever I see an Xbox 360	Xbox
funny	Kublai Khan. If this reaches the front page it will be the top Google search of the top Google search for Kublai Khan.	Google
todayilearned	TIL Mike Tyson has coped with negative emotions throughout his life by caring for pigeons. As a child he suffered bullying & depression the first punch he ever threw was at a bully that killed one of his birds & as an adult with his sunk career and death of his 4 year-old daughter.	Tyson
funny	Seen at Walmart in OKC........	Walmart
Music	Miley Cyrus and Flaming Lips - Lucy In The Sky With Diamonds Psychedelia	Sky
AskReddit	People of Walmart that voted for Trump, what do you think of his performance thus far?	Walmart
AskReddit	Why are Youtube beauty gurus so much naturally beautiful? Is it a trick or harsh reality?	Youtube
EarthPorn	The Barren Spell Continues. Glutton Bridge, England, United Kingdom. By Andrew Mowbray 2048 X 1161.	United
pics	Neil deGrasse Tyson at a high school wrestling match	Tyson
explainlikeimfive	ELI5: What would the United States look like today if no humans have ever explored the land?	United
AskReddit	How often does Google preform a backup on Android?	Google
nosleep	It was all because I clicked on a Facebook invitation	Facebook
Jokes	You stole my Microsoft Office and for that you’re going to pay...	Microsoft
AskReddit	Breaking News Donald Trump will be the 45th President of the United States. What can we expect from Donald Trump?	United
worldnews	Kevin O'Leary: Canada's Donald Trump? - BBC News	BBC
movies	Cult Japanese Helmer Seijun Suzuki Dies Tokyo Drifter, Branded to Kill	Suzuki
gaming	How cool? Lego Defender Arcade Cabinet.	Lego
funny	Only on Facebook 🙄	Facebook
videos	the cast of Sesame Street Google Sesame Street and themselves	Google
personalfinance	Incorrect balance in online Chase account..? 30 dollars more than it should be	Chase
pics	Has anyone ever noticed that the optical sensor on the old Dell mice is shifted to the LEFT by like, three millimetres? I have. And now I'm angry.	Dell
UpliftingNews	Teen in China crashes into BMW and learns why honesty is the best policy	BMW
explainlikeimfive	ELI5: Was the United States really protecting Latin America from European colonization with the Monroe Doctrine?	United
gadgets	AMD Ryzen pricing: $500 for 8-core 1800X CPU, undercutting Intel by $600	Intel
movies	Review: The Lego Dark Knight Begins 2017	Lego
worldnews	Sweden’s official Twitter account debunks Donald Trump claims line by line	Twitter
mildlyinteresting	These slices of bread with spreads of varying colors look like a meal from a Michelin star restaurant.	Michelin
worldnews	Facebook confusion over fake cancer babies U-turn - BBC News	BBC
worldnews	Police appoints first female chief Cressida Dick - BBC News	BBC
AskReddit	Microsoft programmers: How does Microsoft spin writing spy software for Windows 10 around the office to make it look like something totally acceptable?	Microsoft
explainlikeimfive	ELI5: What causes the Coca-Cola and Liquid Nitrogen bottle rocket to take off "like a rocket"?	Coca-Cola
mildlyinteresting	When you Google "vice president of the united states" you still get far more responses for Joe Biden than Mike Pence	Google
AskReddit	Reddit, what's your most crazy true Waffle House OR Walmart story?	Walmart
WritingPrompts	WP A 2nd American civil war between California and its allies versus the United States.	United
worldnews	Green campaigners welcome Coca-Cola U-turn on bottle & can recycling scheme - Environmentalists hail ‘landmark moment’ as world’s biggest soft drinks company agrees to set up pilot scheme in Scotland	Coca-Cola
Showerthoughts	Imagine if Facebook and Whatsapp notified you when someone took a screenshot of your conversation.....	Facebook
AskReddit	Serious What is your favorite Twitter account?	Twitter
Showerthoughts	Chuck E. Cheese's are a farm system for kids to become Casino enthusiasts as adults	Casino
movies	My partner and I recorded an episode of our podcast reviewing The Lego Batman Movie.	Lego
worldnews	Beware! Don't Fall For "Font Wasn't Found" Google Chrome Malware Scam	Google
Showerthoughts	With all the tracking Google does, you'd think they'd show me some ads for products I'd actually buy.	Google
mildlyinteresting	3 separate photos taken of the finish of my race, stitched together beautifully by Google Photos. The only discernable mistake is the man standing by the water.	Google
AskReddit	Serious Drunks of Reddit, what is the perfect Taco Bell order?	Bell
photoshopbattles	PsBattle: Bill Gates holding an Xbox controller and cheeseburger	Xbox
AskReddit	What are some things that the Liberals and Conservatives in the United States can agree on TODAY?	United
sports	[Why it matters that Bills QB Tyrod Taylor reportedly has a clean bill of health	FOX Sports](https://www.reddit.com/sports/comments/5vjiok/why_it_matters_that_bills_qb_tyrod_taylo)
funny	How to Pronounce Porsche - Tom School	Porsche
videos	Pinocchio's story as told by a Playstation 2 Game...	Playstation
todayilearned	TIL in addition to patenting the first practical telephone, Alexander Graham Bell developed a hydrofoil motorboat that broke the world marine speed record.	Bell
news	Panda's first flight: FedEx sends Bao Bao to China	FedEx
todayilearned	TIL Neil deGrasse Tyson Was an Undefeated Jigh School Wrestling Captain and Wrestled for Harvard	Tyson
videos	BEYOND BORDERS - The BMW Motorrad LEGO bike	BMW
videos	Every Nike Commercial	Nike
AskReddit	People who have lived all over the United States, where are your favorite/least favorite places to live?	United
funny	Apparently Victoria's Secret forgot how to photo shop. NSFW	Victoria's Secret
movies	in the Lego batman movie they kept calling the Daleks "British robots". did the film makes genuinely not know the daleks aren't technically robots, or is the idea that the kid playing with the lego in the real world doesn't know what they are?	Lego
space	Neil DeGrasse Tyson discussing what NASA could be announcing today. Potential atmosphere readings very well explained.	Tyson
news	Here's the best argument for Apple buying Netflix	Apple
worldnews	Switzerland's ABB hit by $100 million South Korean fraud	ABB
worldnews	Switzerland's ABB company hit by $100 million South Korean fraud	ABB
nottheonion	McDonald's reengineered the straw and is marketing it like an Apple product.	Apple
space	Labour deputy leader 'dabs' during PMQs - BBC News	BBC
Showerthoughts	What if Apple had made The Matrix? What would it look like?	Apple
funny	This showed up on my Facebook feed	Facebook
todayilearned	TIL Carmel, Indiana has become internationally known for its roundabout network. It now has 100 roundabouts, more than any other city in the United States.	United
AskReddit	What is a Youtube channel that you always watch but would never subscribe to?	Youtube
AskReddit	Serious Who was actually the worst U.S. president in United States history?	United
videos	Neil DeGrasse Tyson tells Joe Rogan that some infinities are bigger than others	Tyson
space	Star's seven Earth-sized worlds set record - BBC News	BBC
space	Astronomers Discover 7 Earth-Like Planets Orbiting Nearby Star	Discover
worldnews	Mexico will not accept new "unilateral" U.S. immigration proposals, and will not hesitate in approaching the United Nations to defend immigrants, the country's Foreign Minister Luis Videgaray said on Wednesday, ahead of a meeting with senior U.S. officials.	United
worldnews	Star's seven Earth-sized worlds set record - BBC News	BBC
AskReddit	Besides Donald Trump, which meme would you want elected into office as president of the United States?	United
AskReddit	In regards to the "Miracle on Ice" anniversary, what are some other amazing underdog stories from other countries victories against the United States?	United
gaming	Possibly Sony's best un-official Playstation gaming headphones - The Sony MDR-ZX110NA Overhead Noise Cancelling Headphones.#bargain	Sony
gaming	Possibly Sony's best un-official Playstation gaming headphones - The Sony MDR-ZX110NA Overhead Noise Cancelling Headphones.#bargain	Playstation
science	Star's seven Earth-sized worlds set record - BBC News	BBC
gifs	Harrison Ford landing on a taxiway at SNA	Ford
mildlyinteresting	There's a mummified gecko in my tail light. Yes, I have Geico insurance	Geico
Music	Frida Amundsen - Nothing Compares 2U Piano Cover After watching the Google Pixel commercial, I had to figure out who this was. Amazing cover.	Google
tifu	TIFU by pasting theLegend27 in a Google Doc	Google
history	The Untold History of the United States accuracy	United
Jokes	Have you noticed that if you Google the phrase, "Lost mediaeval servant boy"...	Google
mildlyinteresting	This McDonald's has a hand sanitizer dispenser on the bathroom door handle	McDonald's
news	Astronomers Discover 7 Earth-sized Planets Orbiting Nearby Star	Discover
photoshopbattles	PsBattle: McDonald's in 1980	McDonald's
funny	The all new Suzuki Swfit	Suzuki
AskReddit	What are the "hidden gems" of Apple apps?	Apple
personalfinance	How to not pay the $95 annual fee on your Chase Sapphire Preferred card year 2+	Chase